Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
