the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
