If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
