Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
