My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
