I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
