I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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