please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
