It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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