I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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