I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
