I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
