tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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