this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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