Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
