He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
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It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
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I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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