I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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