i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
