I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
