why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
