the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
