STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Randomize
