Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
