she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
