Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Randomize
