happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
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