I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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