Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
