she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Your shirt... Was in my pants
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
