you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
