There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I love black thongs
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
This baby is an asshole
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
