ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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