So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
handjob tips. give me some.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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