I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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