Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
