youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
