I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
