dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
