Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
