Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
