I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Randomize
