forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
