stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
