Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
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I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
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I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.