He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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