can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
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