So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
