I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
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he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
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He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
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