please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Randomize
