You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
