I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
