we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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