I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
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