how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
