I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize