Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
