Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
