Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Of course I have a pirate flag
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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