So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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