new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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