I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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