God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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