Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
