He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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