I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Randomize
